November 17, 2015
by Suburban Beet Staff
ATLANTA, GA — At a Monday press conference, reacting to reports that one of the terrorists involved in the Paris attacks was a Syrian who’d claimed refugee status, Georgia’s Gov. Nathan Deal informed reporters that his state would not accept Syrian refugees — “much like that innkeeper in Matthew or Leviticus or wherever wouldn’t take in Mary and Joseph,” Deal added.
When reporters, bewildered by such a strangely valid non-sequitur, pressed Deal for further comment, the second-term governor said: “Look, Georgia is a deeply Christian state, located in the heart of the Bible Belt, and cannot and will not take in the very people that the Gospel of Jesus Christ unambiguously tells us we ought to take in without hesitation or qualification.”
Deal is joined by several other Republican governors — who each ran in their respective states on Christian platforms and were elected by largely Christian bases — in his resolve “to shut the doors in the faces of the least of these thy brethren,” as one defecting Deal staffer told Suburban Beet reporters on condition of anonymity, in a catacomb below West Paces Ferry Road illuminated by a single candle with some sort of symbolic fish marking on the door.
In a letter to President Obama obtained by reporters under the Freedom of Information Act before they realized it was readily available on social media, Deal told the leader of the free world that he was simply living in accordance with Christian values.
“I’ll take you at your word that you’re a Christian, Mr. President,” Deal wrote in the letter. “I doubt it, but let’s assume you are. As a ‘Christian,’ it ought to be clear to you that my intent, as a Christian man myself, is to put these refugees through the very same ordeals that the powers and principalities of the time put Christ, his family, and his early followers through. The Son of Man had no place to lay his head, and neither will a Syrian refugee under my watch. It’s the Christian thing to do.”
At press time, unidentified sources confirm that Deal, in his mansion, was consulting with three state troopers who had just arrived by camel. “Go and search diligently for the Syrian refugees,” Deal told the three troopers, “and report back to me when you’ve found them so that I, too, might come and help them.”
According to sources, angels appeared to the refugees in a dream and told them their best bet was Canada, or at least Vermont.